How Christianity Sustains A Gay man by J.H. Hayes
The story of my life is testament to enduring love and the strength of those who shared it with me. Raised by loving parents in a Southern Baptist home near Houston, I relate personal struggles with acceptance, drugs, activism and spirituality. The book reveals how my Christian Faith prevails over guilt-ridden religion. “Out” in 1980 at age 23, by 1993 I was an AIDS and Civil Rights activist. My Mother’s journey elevates our triumphant story and documents the path to assimilation. She was a hard-core Baptist who grew to accept, understand and love me through Faith.
The book is arranged chronologically detailing influential events. I discuss family, including my older brother who acquired Polio and helped me learn compassion. My Grandfather was a role model through his actions. My parents were wonderful, loving people. All the elements of my future were in place by the time I was 10, and I had a terrific childhood before sex arrived to complicate everything.
Chapter Excerpts
Synopsis
The story of my life is testament to enduring love and the strength of those who shared it with me. Raised by loving parents in a Southern Baptist home near Houston, I relate personal struggles with acceptance, drugs, activism and spirituality. The book reveals how my Christian Faith prevails over guilt-ridden religion. “Out” in 1980 at age 23, by 1993 I was an AIDS and Civil Rights activist. My Mother’s journey elevates our triumphant story and documents the path to assimilation. She was a hard-core Baptist who grew to accept, understand and love me through Faith.
The book is arranged chronologically detailing influential events. I discuss family, including my older brother who acquired Polio and helped me learn compassion. My Grandfather was a role model through his actions. My parents were wonderful, loving people. All the elements of my future were in place by the time I was 10, and I had a terrific childhood before sex arrived to complicate everything.
Excerpt
I knew immediately I had to divorce Donna. Some guilt I experienced during our hidden affair was overpowered by my new-found acceptance, but I loved Donna and I knew I was not being fair to her. Donna loved me as if she was an angel sent to help me from one part of life into the next. It was miraculous the way my coming out occurred, as if I had suffered long enough and I did not have to suffer any more. Pat came to our home one day to borrow class notes. Donna was there and I introduced them. They had never met or seen each other before that afternoon. I was a little nervous but thought I had nothing to fear. No one suspected Pat or me of anything.
“I can see it in your eyes,” Donna said immediately after he left. She was not angry or upset. “It’s all right if you’re bisexual.”
I was in shock. I was speechless. I did not know what to say or how to say it. As it turned out I really did not have to say anything. Donna loved me and understood me at that moment more than anyone I have ever known. I recall clearly the Monday evening John Lennon was assassinated because it was three days after Donna had moved out. “If you ever want to come back to women, ever, anytime,” her last words to me, “please find me.”
Another lifetime soon came to a close. Perhaps I never should have married Donna because I hurt a wonderful woman by marrying her before I had accepted my sexuality. I never meant to hurt her any more than I meant to hurt myself. I am truly sorry my growth process hurt her. Donna was sincere. I know of nothing I could have done differently. I certainly never made a choice to be gay. There was never a choice in my predetermined orientation. (If there was a choice, I would have chosen to be straight to avoid the anxiety!) The only issue I ever saw as a choice was either to allow myself to live honestly or to continue lying. When I stood alone before the judge in March 1981 and accepted the uncontested terms of our divorce, I replaced one love of my life with the truth of my sexuality. I was confident the truth was better than a lie. In May 1982, I finished college and moved to Dallas to begin a new part of life. I offered it to Pat, but he did not have the nerve to come with me. He would not leave the security of his wife. I was briefly heartbroken, but could not hold a strong feeling of resentment because of the love we had shared. Before him it had only been a fantasy. After him I had the courage to seek a love-based gay relationship. The Serenity Prayer was working. I was alone again, but with newfound confidence and knowledge that I would someday find a man as loving as Donna but smarter than Pat.